My Dog's New Year's Resolutions

I will sleep on the couch when my owners are not around.

I will stop rolling in dead things.

I will not eat the other dog's vomit.

I will not eat poop of any description.

I will stop jumping onto the counter to steal food.

I will stop crawling into the dishwasher to lick the plates.

I will stop tormenting the cat.

I will not eat the cat's food.

I will not eat the other dogs' food.

I will stop ripping the green fluff off tennis balls.

I will start coming when I am called.

I won't take a drink and then rest my wet beard on my owner's lap.

I will not bite the vet or the postman.

I will stop pressing my nose against windows and leaving smudge marks.

I will start to pee outside and not on the walls.

I will stop humping my teddy bears and other dogs.

I will stop eating tissues and pooping them out whole.

I will try not to look sad when my owners eat steak and I don't get any.

I will not swim in my water dish or the fish pond.

I will wipe my muddy feet before I come into the house.

I won't fart and act like it was someone else.

I will still love my owners unconditionally even when they dress me up for Halloween and Christmas or in silly little jumpers that match their clothes.

I will start chewing on my toys and not my owners' arms.

I will look cute...  hey, I always look cute!